This year, Hello Kitty turned 35, so Happy Birthday! I have had more HK and other Sanrio items than I can count.

In honor of this, I dressed as her for Halloween.


I'm also a big fan of Badtz-Maru (the cynical DJ penguin) and Keroppi (the happy frog).

I have no idea who is dressed up as these characters. I found this on Google. It looks like it was taken at the Baltimore Convention Center, so I'd guess that this was from Comic Con (or maybe Otakon). But I don't really know, especially since I'd think it would be more crowded. Anyway, it's cute!

I know I haven't updated in a minute. This always seems to happen to me when I have the most things going on in my life to report. That's when I don't have time to post because I'm busy living life.

My 27th Bday:
It was fun and low-key this time. I just had a few close friends with me at the bowling alley. Yes, rock and bowl birthday. Fun times.

I thought a few years ago that this would be a year I would have a freak out. But I did not. Yay to me. Why would I have possibly freaked? When I was younger, 27 seemed like a landmark age.
For one, lots of influential musicians have died at this age. I didn't think at any time that I'd be dying at 27 or anything like that. But I'd look up to these artists for accomplishing so much and so if they were able to achieve that by age 27, then that must not be all that young. I also thought of them as much older. What's weird is when I think about people such as Kurt Cobain or Jim Morrisson, both of whom were my age when they passed away, I still think of them as being older than me. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that they were the same age. Even when I think about Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur, who were 24 and 25 when they died, I still think of them as being older than me.

The age of 27 also held significance because of other random other things that I can remember. When I was in high school, Limp Bizkit were the biggest selling rock band at the time. And I remember people discussing how it was weird how Limp Bizkit didn't really get famous until Fred Durst was about 27, which they claimed "is so much later in life than other rock stars".
Back when I was in my first "real" rock band, I remember having a discussion with one of my bandmates. He asked me how much longer would I want to be out there regularly playing shows before calling it a day, settling down, and getting married. He said if he didn't get a record deal by age 27, then he was calling it quits. [He has not called it quits and he is 29 :) ].

But I know that 27 isn't old by any means. I have barely gotten my feet wet in my life. Sure, I've done a lot of things that I'm proud of/happy about, but there are many more that are yet to happen. As you live life and time passes, your perception of things will evolve and change, and the age 27 isn't really so scary to me anymore.

Angel Dust @ Fletcher's on Halloween:
Angel Dust, my Faith No More tribute band, played Fletcher's on Halloween.

Angel Dust's members: Brandon Thomas (of Phantom Communique and formerly of Bleed the Dream) - vocals, Boyitz (of 7 Days Torn) - bass, Dawson (of Heroes of the Dawm and formerly of Victory Twin) - drums, Derrin (Heroes of the Dawn) - guitar, and Me (keyboards).

I thought we rocked, haha. The other bands were awesome as well. It was great to see Keith Thompson front a band in Ghouls Night Out! The vibe from the crowd was great, most of the people there were in costume, and I saw some friends of mine who I hadn't seen in a while. I love Halloween. I was dressed as Lil' Red Riding Hood.






There are more cool things that happened, but those are the main things.

I'll be another year older tomorrow. I need a new computer. Please buy me one as a birthday gift. It has to be Apple. (Do not argue with me, it does). I want one of the new iMacs. I'll take the cheapest iMac model. I don't even need a MacPro. Just an iMac. Please. PLEASE? PLEASE!
My musical recordings are suffering with the computer I have now.

Or you could come hang out with me at the downstairs portion of Fletcher's for Vain. It is the final Vain. It's free. And I'll be there. You can attend it and that'll be your gift to me.

You can do one or the other for me. You decide.

http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/cherryteresa/21690.html

So much to say. It's always when I have the most things going on in my life that I don't update my journal. I guess just don't have the time and feel like I don't even know where to begin.

Saturday, Oct. 30 - My Bday Bash/Halloween Show. Getting through the day was tough. It was hard to prepare for the show. I wasn't really thinking too much about it, but I started having breathing issues and chest pains again. I ended up getting there a couple hours later than load-in. I felt so bad but I had to do my breathing exercises when it happened. So I got there. Had to go to the bathroom a zillion times due to drinking way too much water.
I was so happy once I got there. I hadn't seen anyone in forever. I was feeling kind of guilty before because I had to miss the Shorebirds Stadium show in Salisbury, MD. Luckily a friend of ours Sharon Parker - who rocks - filled in. But I really wanted to do it and plus Agents of the Sun and Goldmind Squad were there, too. And it was Halloween themed - there was a haunted house and stuff. That night I had a bad attack anyways, so if I would have traveled down there even though I knew I shouldn't, that would have been really bad.
Anyways, it felt really great to be playing again and to be out in a social setting again. I had so much energy when we were on stage. Not only because I was looking so forward to the show and I love Halloween. But because the crowd's energy was so great as well. Seemed like everyone was watching and was dancin'/rockin' out and singing along. I loved it. It was one of the most rewarding times I've had on stage. I didn't feel sick at all when I was up there and felt the happiest and most confident I can remember. Everyone was so nice and supportive - and all the bands rocked. Marino, To A Science, Oddzar, Eat Your Neighbors, Swath.. the list goes on (there were 13 bands). I even got presents! I got nominated but didn't win the costume contest. It's okay - the guy that looked like a woman was hotter anyways haha. I was dressed up as someone in a mental ward. A lot of people thought I was supposed to be from "Silence of the Lambs". The shirt had these straps and is all bondage-like. I think I might wear the shirt just in general haha. And I had this mask on. Which really sucked since it was so hot in there that night, but I needed to cover my face. See... I was on steriods for when I had an ear infection and so my face is puffy and I have a lot of acne. That'll probably go away within a month (I'm hoping... wish it could be sooner). So anyways, it covered that up.

Sunday, Oct. 31 - Couldn't really do anything for Halloween like I had planned. But that's okay, the show the night before was my fun. But I did manage to go to the 98 Rock station and give Matt Davis the copy of our new song "Muckraker". I talked with him for a bit. He's so friggin' awesome. Then I did a recorded promo thingie with me talking and introducing the song that he played before he aired the song. Did I mention I love Matt Davis? Oh and they also aired Muckraker that night on DC101 I believe.

So things were going well but at the same time not. The medication I was taking I thought was making me feel better. And it helped me sleep really well at night. But starting on the Thursday before Halloween weekend, I could barely sleep. See... I'd sleep, but not really. It'd take hours to sleep. My back automatically cramped up when I laid down. And my heart would start racing and my mind was thinking a million different things. And no matter what I tried to do to relax, or even when I finally decided to take sleeping medication and pain medication that would work any other time, it didn't help. When I finally did sleep, it was only half-sleep. And then I'd wake up with my chest hurting, heart racing, a random thought, or I'd have to pee. And even though I was so tired, I couldn't go back to sleep.

Then on Monday I had the worst attack I've had to date. It was so scary. Usually I can kinda predict when they are going to happen. My heart will start to race and I'll just do breathing techniques and it'll go away. This time it came out of nowhere. And it started with an intense pain in my heart/chest. It last for a couple hours. It was violent. It felt like my heart was skipping. It felt like what I would think a heart attack feels like, though I've never had one of those. The pain was so bad and I was crying through it. I was so scared. No matter what I did to try to control it and make it go away, it would get slightly better and then come back again even worse. This happened at work. It was awful and embarassing. I didn't want everyone to see that. But one good thing is the people at my work are so nice and supportive. And my manager's daughter has the same thing I have, so he knows what I am going through. It's really hard to explain to someone who isn't dealing with it. So he was there to help me out and comfort me and give me advice while I was going through this. I went home that night. The heart pains kept coming back really sharp, though not as bad as what happened earlier.

The next day I went to go vote. Then I went to the hospital. I couldn't take it anymore. I was getting worse and still not able to sleep. I was seeing spots and blobs that didn't exist because I went all that time without sleep and my mind was going a little whacky. I wasn't crazy or anything. But I wasn't me anymore. I was there for at least 14 hours - plus I had to go to the pharmacy and all that so it was hours and hours before I could complete this. They ran a bunch of tests on me because my blood pressure and heart rate was so high. And in the past few days prior, I'd feel so hot and sweaty even though the weather was cold. So they kept checking my temperature. They a few blood tests, a urine test, and put all these wire things and stuck these electro-pads things on my chest and did some kind of test with a machine. I don't even know what most of the tests were or what they were for - I was so out of it. Then I went to a different doctor who evaluated me for an hour or a couple hours (my perception of time was off at that point) and found out I was having an adverse reaction to the medication I was taking. So he prescribed me a different medicine which is similar but not the same.

By the time I left the hospital (I got there Tuesday afternoon/evening) it was around 8 AM Wednesday morning. So I went to Papermoon and ate breakfast. I was so friggin' hungry! I sat there alone, sometimes with my head resting on the table and stuff. And I looked a mess. I think the people there thought I was crazy. Whatever haha. Ate my food and tried to kill some time before Rite Aid opened. When I got to my car I was sooo out of it. I had to wait in my car 'cuz I would half sleep and couldn't function or focus at all. So I stayed there for a while. Went to Rite Aid, came back in an hour and my prescription had been done. Thank God. Went home. Took my meds. Waited around and did some things around the house. Then went to bed. Actually got three hours of sleep. When I first woke up I felt like the me that was on the old medication. But as I started waking up and some time went by, I felt so much better. Still tired but a lot more calm. Relax. Chill. Still not 100% me but the most normal I've felt in a month. That night I got 4 hours of sleep.

I feel so much better now. I'm still having some muscle pain at night but it's a lot better than before. I can actually fall asleep! But I've been having muscle pains throughout the day. But compared to what I was going through before, I feel sooo much better. I'm still not "well" but much improved. I feel like the old me again almost. Thank G-d. As each day goes by I've been able to get a little bit more rest. The longer I take the medicine, the better I should be able to get rest. Right now, my sleep is still interrupted, but I have an easier time falling back asleep. But I've been having some whack dreams! The medicine also makes you drowsy as a side effect, but in my case that's a good thing. It helps! The only thing that sucks is sometimes during the day I'll get extra drowsy. But again, I'm in a better situation than before.
Since taking the new medication, I haven't had an attack. Here and there my heart will race slightly or I'll have chest pains, but not an attack. And it's mild. It's nothing compared to before. I feel like I have so much more control over my life now.

The thing about this past month is that even though I've been sick, I've been the happiest I've been since I can remember. Just knowing why I'm sick and being able to get treatment and learning how to deal with it actually makes me feel like I have more control over my life in a weird way. It's also made me realize how much I have. I have so many supportive people around me. From my friends, family, my bandmates, the fans, and my co-workers. There are a few people who don't understand and don't care. But that doesn't matter. I am so lucky to be surrounded by some amazing people and it's really made me realize who and what is important in life. And what really doesn't matter. I realize how much I have and how great my life really is. I feel like I enjoy life and each day - even if I'm not doing anything special, exciting, or noteworthy. I love the band and it's been going great. My new job is so awesome. I'm lucky to be living with a great friend who understands me and is just a great person. I couldn't really ask for much more.

One thing I want to mention is that what I have is really complicated to explain. If you have what I have, you understand what I'm talking about here. If you don't, it's really hard. Not that I don't want to explain it more, but it's really hard to understand. Before I was going through all this and someone else I knew was having these problems, I just didn't get it. Now I completely understand.

I'm going to have to see a doctor on a regular basis and be on the medications I'm on for a while. How long? I dunno. Could be months, could be years. Sucks to know you are depending on medications to get by but at least there is some kind of treatment as opposed to none. No cure, but treatment.

I want to point out that I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me! People say that to me and I'm like NO! Going through all this sucked. Especially the past couple weeks. But like I said before it's made my life better in the weirdest way and it brought my family close together when I thought that would never happen. This whole thing was a blessing in disguise.

I have so much to look foward to - the band has some great shows coming up. And soon I'll start going out again. This weekend we have out of town shows where we have to travel a few hours. I get to travel again! Go on a road trip without having to really worry about anything happening or if I physically would get dizzy or not be able to handle it. I'll be able to do it.

I'm not gonna let this thing get to me. I'm gonna kick its ass. Things are only going to get better for me and my life is gonna get even better.

http://cherryteresa.greatestjournal.com/2004/10/25/

So today, Oct. 25th is my 23rd Bday.

Normally Octobers are great. They are the last month of the year before things get crappy (I despise winter, it depresses the hell out of me). October is when the leaves are changing, the weather isn't too hot or cold, it's my Bday, and Halloween!

This has been one bad October. It all started the beginning of this month. I woke up the first Sunday and felt like I had the flu give and take a few symptoms. It wasn't til a couple days later that I put two and two together that the reason I was sick was because of a bug bite on my lower back. That's why I was dizzy, sick, and in muscle/back pains. I don't have memory of being bit at all but I think I either got bit outside of the show we played at the California Inn in Laurel (because that was the night before I started feeling sick) or else by my house (because I saw ticks on the balcony). I probably either got bit by a spider or a tick, I still don't know for sure. (Tests for lyme disease come out negative 80-90% in the first few weeks because it's harder to detect. I wish they woulda told me that before I took the test which came out negative that cost me over $130 that I just have to take over again in a couple weeks!) But based on all my symptoms the doctor put me on medication for lyme disease just in case. All I know is that WHATEVER it is I got from whatever bug, it really screwed me up! For one, I've been dizzy for weeks. I've been dizzy for so long that I can't remember what it feels like to not be dizzy. Some days are worse than others. But basically I started to think I was feeling better after getting the lyme disease medicine aside from being dizzy, tired, and some muscle aches. I was at least better than before.

Then the week after I first started feeling sick, I started getting heartburn, absolute fatigue, hearing problems, and being so dizzy that I couldn't walk or even stand at many times. I was sleeping all day and only awake a total of like 6 hours each day. And most of those times I was awake I was just in bed but not doing anything, couldn't get up. It turns out that because of whatever it is I have my immune system is weak. So what woulda been just basic sinuses turned into a bacterial infection of the ears, or the ear flu since my body couldn't fight it off. Which is why my hearing was messed up and I had lost my balance so badly. So I'm still on medication to clear up that infection. My hearing still isn't normal but it's a lot better than it was before. Things are more muted and my pitch was really off (everything sounded lower in pitch, even people's voices. It was so weird!)

Anyways by this time I had missed a week of work! It sucked! I've always been the type of person that I don't want to let sickness get in the way of my routine. Even in elementary/middle/high school, I'd go to school when I'd be really sick. My mom would be like you have to stay home and I'd be like NO! I'm going to school! Hahah kind of the opposite of normal I guess. I just don't like to let things control me. I like to think I can handle things. But this time I really just could not go into work. I couldn't stand let alone drive. Well after I got my medications for the ear infection I went back to work the next day. I figured yeah I am still dizzy but they put me on an ear patch that somewhat reduces it so I figured I'd be okay. Well apparantly that was a big mistake. I went back to work "too soon" and didn't give myself enough chance to rest.

I knew that I was pushing myself because a couple hours into my shifts, I'd start feeling chest pains and heart burn started coming back. And my back would have pains. But I just tried to ignore it because damnit I just wanted things to be back to normal and I wanted to just put all this behind me. My dizziness started getting worse and I started feeling more lightheaded. Finally on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning it got even worse. I kept waking up in the middle of the night because I'd have trouble breathing and I had sharp pains in my chest, heart, and back. I still went to work and as soon as I got there, everyone noticed that I looked sick so they took me to the doctor's. It was really embarassing because I was in a meeting when I started having chest attacks and people saw it. I got so lightheaded and my back/chest hurt so much I felt like I was going to fall over and faint. I really wanted to just hide from everyone. But everyone was really understanding so and helpful. A co-worker of mine took me to the doctor's. I thought I either was having asthma (which I used to have when I was younger) or that maybe I had bronchitis. Turns out that I have anxiety. Surprised the hell out of me that that is what was happening because I don't feel like that is my problem. I'm not one of these people that can't handle my shit. It's just that again because I have a weak immune system my body is having trouble fighting off just basic things. So I guess the stress of being sick which I wasn't even really aware of took a toll on me and I couldn't fight it anymore. And I didn't let myself rest enough to really heal.

So I have been having off and on chest pains, heart speeding up, pain while breathing. And of course the dizziness. I'll feel good one second, then absolutely tired the next. And I'll feel okay then the next minute it's hard to concentrate on basic things. I am constantly drinking, drinking, drinking water. I have to stay hydrated. It's really important.

So of course I had to miss even more work. Which of course sucks financially but also I don't like just staying home and not doing anything. I just feel lazy and worthless. Plus it stresses me out more because I am falling behind on my production and I have a lot to get caught up on. And I'm just scared that my work is going to get fed up with me being sick after a while (they have been great to me so far though). And on top of missing work and all that, my insurance doesn't kick in til next month. So I have spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on top of hundreds more than I still owe and refills that I have to get that won't be covered yet by insurance. Some of the meds I'm on I will have to be on for at least a couple more months but the good part is at least those will be refilled while I'm on insurance so that's at least good. I'm not supposed to drink on these meds either so no drunkness for me for at least a couple months! But oh well, it's not the end of the world. Things could be a lot worse, you know?! I could have gotten more serious illnesses so I'm thankful that what I have isn't that horrible.

But what sucks is this weekend was supposed to be So much fun for me! I was looking forward to it. My Bday weekend! And Shippensburg University was nice enough to have set up and fully paid for to shoot a video for "Consent to You" this weekend since we are getting lots of play on their college station. I couldn't wait to go do it! Our first music video! I was so pumped! And we'd be getting drunk in the hotel room to celebrate my bday and all that! And I'd get to be a zombie! Well this was before all this sickness crap went down. I could not go! I can't travel right now cuz of my absolute dizziness. And I need to rest so that my heart will be okay. And plus the meds I'm on my face gets all swelled up at times, I'd look horrible anyways. And it couldn't get rescheduled because everything was already set up and the production crew, scheduling, etc. It just couldn't be rescheduled for another weekend, which I understand. But it succcccks so bad that I couldn't get to be a part of it! So we have a video for "Consent to You" and damnit I'm not in it! I'm not really mad at anyone, it's no one's fault. It's just depressing that I couldn't be a part of it. That I had to stay home doing nothing while everyone got to be in the video and have fun. And I'm always going to have to explain that I wasn't in the video because I'm fucking 23 years old but I have heart problems! I feel like an old grandma or something; having heartburn and I'm in my 20s. God, I feel like such a freakin' loser and I'm just embarassed about the whole thing.

I shoulda been going to Sonar tonight getting drunk, celebrating my bday. And then I should be getting my party on Monday at Fletchers for Noise in the Basement. Matt Davis said he was gonna make sure I got trashed and get me all these Jagerbombs and make sure everyone knew it was my bday. I am supposed to be having so much fun tonight. But I can't even go! I can't go out because I need to rest. Even though it kills me that I can't go out! Even if I could go, I can't drink. But most importantly I just need to spend the night resting. I just feel bad cuz last week (before I knew I was having heart problems for sure) I made a big deal to everyone and told everyone to come out Monday for my bday and they're gonna see that I'm not there. And I don't want people to think I told them to come out and then I just didn't show up.

But Matt Davis is the man! I love him! He announced on the radio tonight it was my bday and aired "Consent to You" so that cheered me up since I had been feeling down. And then Dan from VDB and Steve from FEOH Records were on the air too and they said I was hot!!!! (If they saw how swelled my face is right now though they would not think I am hot) And Matt said for everyone to come out to our show on Oct. 30 @ the Royal since that's my Bday Bash/Masquerade Ball/Halloween fun! (since I can't actually celebrate tonight).

And Cait and Kevin made me so happy the other night! They tricked me! They pretended like they were taking a shower hahahaha. But instead they were building me these beautiful shelves for the bathroom for me to organize all my stuff on. I was so surprised! It was so nice of them! Everytime I go to the bathroom, I'm like whoah! This is so pretty and functional! Haha. It's this really pretty wood finish and it adds so much space to the bathroom. They put a lot of thought and work into it, and it really made me feel so special that they were so thoughful.


Anyways, I will be taking care of myself. I will be better. I will be at rocking the hell out at the Oct. 30, even if it kills me! I'm determined to try to get things back to as normal as possible. I just want things to be back to my routine and not have to be sick anymore. I'm sick of being sick! I just want to be normal again.

I want to thank everyone who's had to put up with me. I know I've been difficult to deal with lately to those close to me. I swear I don't WANT to be difficult! I want to be as easy and non-complicated as a person as possible! So to those of you who have had to put up with me, thank you so much and I'm not going to always be so hard to deal with. I will be "normal" again someday!